Women are hooking up! Blame feminism!

I had the displeasure of stumbling upon an article that was in Marie Claire magazine titles “No Strings Attached Sex” by Colleen Oakley. Basically it’s an article saying that women shouldn’t have sex with men with whom they’re not in a relationship. Of course the starts off being heteronormative — what about in homosexual relationships? Are we members of the LGBT community “wired” differently, which makes this null in void for us? Unfortunately, it all goes downhill from there.

The article starts off with

Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. “I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!” she says. “I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I’ve got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine.”
Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, “the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced.” Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both.

You hear that, ladies? Even if you’re doing what you want to do with your own body– IT IS A MISTAKE. YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE. NOT ONLY AT SEX, BUT LOVE, TOO! I forgot, every woman out there wants to settle down with a man and have a family. Thanks for that reminder, Marie Claire.

Q: You grew up in the ’60s and ’70s, the free-sex era. How is that time period different from what we’re seeing now?
A: In my generation, we wanted to have free sex, but we actually didn’t. There was a line that you only crossed under certain circumstances. For instance, you would open your window a crack in your dorm room and let your boyfriend in, but you wouldn’t announce to the world that you were doing it. Back then, we knew what the rules were. Today, there aren’t any, so women don’t have anything to break. They’re making it up as they go along. The women’s movement argued — and I was right there — that women need to be as sexually free as men. I think it’s only now, with some age and experience on us, that we’re looking at our daughters and seeing that maybe that wasn’t such a great thing.

I like how this woman is speaking for her entire generation.  Maybe her version of free sex was only opening her dorm window at night, but that doesn’t mean other people weren’t having no-strings-attached sex. What are these rules that she speaks of that don’t exist day? “Men can sleep around, but women can’t because no one likes a slut?”

Q: Are you saying that feminism is to blame?
A: I think sometimes feminism leads women to believe they can’t have both a loving relationship and a hard-driving career. A lot of the women I interviewed for my book say one of the reasons they have casual sex is the fear that if they get tied up emotionally with someone, they won’t be able to do their work or get ahead in their jobs. That’s just not true. A truly good relationship puts a spring in your step; you can work more, have more energy, and feel better. You can soften your edges without softening your drive.

Oh great! Yes! Let’s blame FEMINISM! I can’t be surprised about this. Whenever someone out there is trying to impose a double standard on women, they like to imply that feminism is at fault for leading women on that they *gasp* can be equal! I don’t understand how believing in equality between men and women leads to “I can’t be in a relationship and can’t have a career.” I think this author needs to learn what feminism is. Also the author is only speaking about “truly good” relationships. There are unhealthy relationships out there, too. Just because you’re with your “dream man,” it is not guaranteed to just make your life instantly 100x better, with a spring in your step! Did you hear that, ladies? Once you get a MAN, your energy increases! he makes you feel better! you gives you better job performance! THANKS SO MUCH FOR OPENING MY EYES. All I needed was a MAN for me to have a better life.

Q: But if women don’t want a relationship, shouldn’t they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men?
A: They can. But just because they can doesn’t mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It’s a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that’s nature’s way of saying, “Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.” So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they’re having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don’t know why.

What the mother fuck? Now we’re going to blame biology? Every woman is depressed after NSA sex? Really?

Q: Do you think it’s ever possible for women to have sex like men?
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they’re going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we’re seeing alcohol-consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it’s not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It’s like saying I’m going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It’s a cheap thrill.

WAIT WAIT WAIT CAN WE REPEAT THIS? “

I have no data to back this up” “

I have no data to back this up”

“I have no data to back this up”

WOW, so Stepp just threw statistics out there AND HAS NO DATA BEHIND IT. Basically this entire book is full of anecdata that I’m sure she has picked out to support her point of view and just her opinions that she’s just so SURE is true for all women. We women are drinking more because we want to sleep with men and aren’t comfortable with it. This article doesn’t show any statistics whether more women are drinking more alcohol more often, but the author believes so and one of the reasons HAS to be because women are doing this to be with men.

Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up?
A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don’t learn how to trust someone; you don’t learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don’t get to practice those things, it’s going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage.

Pack some Prozac next to your condoms, ladies! “Rampant” hooking up (whatever the fuck that means) makes you DEPRESSED! Also breaking up longer relationships tend to be less painful? Really? I…can’t really believe that. In my personal experience and the experiences of my friends, we tend to be more upset about breaking up with a SO of a longer period of time. And how is a hookup equal to a short break up? When someone is hooking up theyre not in a RELATIONSHIP. Sleeping with someone for one night is not going to hurl every woman into a depression because she just “broke up” with a man.
And she goes further to say that having casual sex makes you more prone to cheat? Incapable of caring or trusting? Can I have more statistics on that? Stepp makes it seem like the only way to learn how to love or trust is to be with a man. What about friendships? Family ties? I guess we have to stay pure for our partners if we’re EVER going to have a successful relationship. Great to know.

Q: What’s your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger?
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better.

You can only have good sex with men you know better! Don’t have stranger sex! Go look for some guy and DONT PUT OUT. Remember, no man wants some easy girl.

Q: Doesn’t that seem terribly old-fashioned?
A: Maybe, but I think in our rush to condone or not be seen as disapproving of young women’s independence — which I’m very much in favor of — we have gone too far in the opposite direction. We just need to put the brakes on a little bit. I wouldn’t argue that you should never have casual sex. I just think that women need to think through how they’re going to do it and with whom. Why cheat yourself out of a great relationship and great sex?

How are we preventing ourselves from a great relationship with a guy and great sex by sleeping with people we’re not committed to? Does hooking up make my ciltoris numb? Ugh. And apparently we’ve given young women TOO MUCH FREEDOM? What the fuck? Men can go around fucking anything, but women can’t? Well, the men have to sleep with someone! I don’t get how you can get too far from disapproving independence…so then on the other end of the spectrum you’re…completely approving it? and HOW is this bad?

This is just one of many articles out there where women are just self-imposing old cultural guidelines that men created to control women. Why can’t women say “I love you” first? Why can’t a woman not want a relationship? Using scare tactics like saying that you’ll become depressed or a cheater is ridiculous. Also blaming feminism for this “new movement” of hookup culture is just wrong. We have every right to do whatever we want with our bodies…whether it is only to be in relationships or to never be in one. Shouldn’t women support each other, regardless of their decisions?

Foolproof ways to be an asshole without overtly showing it

AskMen.com, quite the expert opinion on things, has a Top 10: Subtle Ways to Tell Her She’s Getting Fat. (But AskMen, what if He’s the one who’s getting fat?! What’s She to do then?!)

As every man knows, there are some things you just can’t come right out and say to your girlfriend.

Nope, open and honest communication is definitely not key to a healthy relationship. If you’re too direct with your girlfriend, she may become an overemotional baby and start bawling in front of you, or gasp! not want to have sex with you that night!

For obvious reasons, “You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive” is one of them. Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process. For that reason, you need to consider some alternative methods of letting her know that you’re displeased with her recent weight gain.

Duh! You’re supposed to try and be subtle about it so she doesn’t think you’re telling her she’s fat when you really are. Because of course her remaining thin is what makes her attractive, and it’s one of the top priorities in your relationship. I mean, she can’t possibly gain any weight because that’s a deal breaker right? So here are ten subtle ways to make her feel like shit:

10) Buy her clothes that are too small. If you buy her clothes that are obviously too small for her, not only will she finally have to admit that she’s putting on weight, but she can easily return them for her correct size. First, she’ll have to reveal to you that the clothes are too small. “Oh,” you might say, “I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?” The onus is now on her to do something about it.

Aha, this is a foolproof way for her to admit that she’s gained weight and for her to tell you too! Or, you know, she might just return the clothes you buy her and wonder, why the heck are you choosing my wardrobe for me when you clearly don’t know how to shop and buy things in my size?

9) Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of “stress relief”. This works particularly well if your girlfriend still hasn’t worked out the link between an active lifestyle and emotional well-being. Tell her you have found exactly what she needs to help her relax, a regular spiritual cleanse in the form of a yoga class. Make sure you choose an intense, calorie-burning form (power yoga or ashtanga yoga), otherwise she may end up rolling around on the floor a couple times a week with no real benefits. The beauty of yoga is that if you dress it up as a way to relieve stress, she may not realize that she’s being tricked into shedding a few pounds, and even if she does, you’ll end up with a happier, more self-confident girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.

Yes, because yoga is only for weight loss. What a waste of time and energy it would be if your girlfriend went to yoga class, found it very relaxing and a good way to relieve stress, but oh no! she hasn’t lost weight at all! And of course all fat women are “grumpy lard-asses”. They’re never happy or self-confident (how can they be if they’re so busy being fat?). Not to mention, finding out that you’ve manipulated her and only pretended to care about her mental health is so not a turnoff!

8 ) Set out on your own weight loss plan. Here’s an interesting experiment for you using reverse psychology. A subtle way to tell her she’s getting fat is to tell her you’re not happy with your own level of fitness and she may begin to open her eyes to the wider picture. By referencing yourself in any plans to lose weight, you’re also subtly telling her that you’re not the only one who might benefit from a diet. And even if she does see through your ploy, she’ll at least appreciate the tact you have shown and will hopefully take the message on board.

What if you’re actually a grumpy lard-ass who could/should have some kind of weight loss plan?

7) Serve her unsatisfactory portions. When dishing up meals for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it. If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she’s not looking.

Of course, fat-shaming! That always works! Because every woman wants to stay the same weight forever, especially if she’s in a relationship! Obviously if she gains even an ounce she’ll realize the horrors of her glutinous ways and realize that she needs to change her ways and shed that extra weight! Plus, this is assuming that women can’t simply serve themselves extra helpings. They need someone to literally put food on their plate and feed them.

6) Improve your own diet. It’s very easy for the two of you to fall into the downward spiral in which many couples begin to replace sexual intimacy with ice cream and cake. Don’t let this happen by focusing on your own health requirements and staking your right to a junk-food-free home. It might even be the only way of separating her from the fatty foods which have led to the current problem.

Aha, because women are the only ones who want to eat fatty foods. And of course the only incentive for men to improve their own diets is not for their own good and for their own health, but to subtly tell their girlfriends that they are too fat.

5) Playfully grab her love handles. Ask any man and he’ll tell you that he instinctively flexes his biceps whenever a woman touches them. The same thing goes for a woman when you make contact with any unwanted flab: She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage. Even if she thinks that you’re too busy at work to have noticed a few extra pounds, if you continually rest your hand on her love handles (or even lightly pinch them), she’ll soon realize that you’re becoming increasingly aware of something that never used to be there before.

“She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage”?!! How would you like it if your girlfriend pinched your “unwanted flab” all the time?

4) Ask her to wear an old dress. Plan a romantic night out for the two of you and insist that she wears something from when you first got together; particularly something that you know doesn’t fit her anymore. This way she’ll have to admit to you that she’s put on too much weight and can no longer get into many of her old clothes. Follow it up by telling her how good she looked in those days, and maybe she’ll make it her mission to get back to that size.

So, on this romantic night out, you want her to wear an old dress that you know/think she doesn’t fit any more to try and make her feel shitty for not being able to fit that any more? Quite romantic, no? And also, your girlfriend must wear what you insist on her wearing, she can’t possibly choose another outfit for herself.

3) Sabotage her chair. Sometimes as men we have to get downright nefarious to get what we want. You might not be proud of stooping to this level, but nothing says “better lose some weight” like a broken chair. After you loosen a few screws or remove some important slats of a chair in which you know she’ll sit and subsequently break, sit back and watch the guaranteed dietary transformation that ensues. It will profoundly amaze you.

This tip especially made me burst out laughing. Because of course if I sat on a chair and it just broke, my first reaction wouldn’t be OMG I AM SO FAT I BROKE A CHAIR! It’d probably be something closer to this chair’s clearly broken! It certainly wouldn’t lead to a “guaranteed dietary transformation.”

2) Leave “now” and “then” photos lying around. This is a highly effective way to draw attention to the explicit changes to her body as you see them. By consistently reminding her of how she used to look, she’ll inevitably be more inclined to do something about her excess flab. Appropriately chosen and strategically placed photos should accomplish this quite nicely. Keep in mind, if she confronts you about trying to shame her into losing weight, the key approach here is denial, as you reply: “Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?” Of course you would, but she doesn’t need to know that.

More fat shaming. Fun. What I would probably say is, asshole, that was then, this is now. Get with the changing times.

1) Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit. If she seems content staying at home eating donuts in her track pants, why not start taking her to places where she has no choice but to where a swimsuit? As she awkwardly looks around at all the slender bodies having a great time, she’ll more than likely vow to do something about her recent weight gain, especially if she knows she’ll be back there in the not-so-distant future.

What if she likes going to the beach and doesn’t care too much what she looks like because she’s having a good time? What if she awkwardly looks around not to check out “all the slender bodies having a great time” (because non-slender bodies can’t have a great time? I didn’t know that being slender was a pre-requisite to having fun) but because her asshole boyfriend is checking everyone else out? Besides, going to the beach will show the diversity of female bodies. Surprise surprise idiot men, not every woman looks like the models you see on television or in magazines.

So to sum up: men, if you are unhappy that your girlfriend has gained weight recently, all you have to do to let her know and to make her change her ways is to lie to her, shame her and manipulate her. What a good boyfriend you are for being superficial and emotionally abusive! Those are the exact qualities women find attractive in men!

What’s important to know is that she’s not “naturally skinny”

Not surprisingly, Michelle Obama has been interviewed by many reporters lately. The New York Times had an article yesterday, Mrs. Obama Speaks Out About Her Household, where the author mostly reports about what Mrs. Obama has said mostly regarding what she wears and what she eats or doesn’t eat, because of course this is the most important thing.

The author points out that the press aren’t the only ones who watch what Mrs. Obama wears. Her husband does too:

On the president and her wardrobe:

“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”

The author also points out that Mrs. Obama admits that she is “not naturally thin and, like most other people, had to exercise and watch what she eats.” She writes:

“I have hips, and I have them covered up with these pleats,” she said, pointing to her Maria Pinto skirt.

To keep those hips from spreading, she said, she follows an exercise regimen of light weights, calisthenics, jump-rope and a cardiovascular routine that includes interval running.

“This is work,” she said.

Regular exercise allows for dessert, French fries and a burger — every now and then. But she would eat the fries every day if she could. “They are my favorite food in the whole wide world,” she said. “I could live on French fries.”

Then the author goes on to say that Mrs. Obama has raised her two daughters to be conscious of what they choose to eat as well. Meanwhile when she was younger, she was not quite a fan of her mom’s healthier cooking.

As a child, she much preferred peanut butter to the vegetables her mother, Marian Robinson, served with dinner every night.

“My mother, who is now a grandmother — and that’s a whole ’nother person — seems to believe that she never, ever really made us eat anything that we didn’t want to eat,” Mrs. Obama said. “It’s just a lie. I’ll get my brother here, and we can spend hours railing about how we hid lima beans in our napkins. And for the days we had to eat liver, we were gagging over it.”

While people like to be told that famous people, be they people in power or celebrities, are normal and just like us, it is disturbing how much focus is on women’s bodies and appearances. Influential women are constantly scrutinized by the media for their conformance to standards of femininity, especially whether or not they are thin (God forbid they gain even an ounce!), or whether or not they dress well enough.

It certainly does not surprise me that the principal focus in the Times article is on Mrs. Obama’s statements about her fashion, weight and appearance, yet it continues to disappoint me and upset me that women are still more valued for their appearance than their substance: their personalities, their beliefs, their contributions to society, etc.

Instead, what’s important for us to know about Mrs. Obama is that she is not “naturally skinny”, she has hips, she has to work hard to stay in shape, she loves french fries and how she never really liked vegetables as a kid.