Foolproof ways to be an asshole without overtly showing it

21 03 2009

AskMen.com, quite the expert opinion on things, has a Top 10: Subtle Ways to Tell Her She’s Getting Fat. (But AskMen, what if He’s the one who’s getting fat?! What’s She to do then?!)

As every man knows, there are some things you just can’t come right out and say to your girlfriend.

Nope, open and honest communication is definitely not key to a healthy relationship. If you’re too direct with your girlfriend, she may become an overemotional baby and start bawling in front of you, or gasp! not want to have sex with you that night!

For obvious reasons, “You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive” is one of them. Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process. For that reason, you need to consider some alternative methods of letting her know that you’re displeased with her recent weight gain.

Duh! You’re supposed to try and be subtle about it so she doesn’t think you’re telling her she’s fat when you really are. Because of course her remaining thin is what makes her attractive, and it’s one of the top priorities in your relationship. I mean, she can’t possibly gain any weight because that’s a deal breaker right? So here are ten subtle ways to make her feel like shit:

10) Buy her clothes that are too small. If you buy her clothes that are obviously too small for her, not only will she finally have to admit that she’s putting on weight, but she can easily return them for her correct size. First, she’ll have to reveal to you that the clothes are too small. “Oh,” you might say, “I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?” The onus is now on her to do something about it.

Aha, this is a foolproof way for her to admit that she’s gained weight and for her to tell you too! Or, you know, she might just return the clothes you buy her and wonder, why the heck are you choosing my wardrobe for me when you clearly don’t know how to shop and buy things in my size?

9) Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of “stress relief”. This works particularly well if your girlfriend still hasn’t worked out the link between an active lifestyle and emotional well-being. Tell her you have found exactly what she needs to help her relax, a regular spiritual cleanse in the form of a yoga class. Make sure you choose an intense, calorie-burning form (power yoga or ashtanga yoga), otherwise she may end up rolling around on the floor a couple times a week with no real benefits. The beauty of yoga is that if you dress it up as a way to relieve stress, she may not realize that she’s being tricked into shedding a few pounds, and even if she does, you’ll end up with a happier, more self-confident girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.

Yes, because yoga is only for weight loss. What a waste of time and energy it would be if your girlfriend went to yoga class, found it very relaxing and a good way to relieve stress, but oh no! she hasn’t lost weight at all! And of course all fat women are “grumpy lard-asses”. They’re never happy or self-confident (how can they be if they’re so busy being fat?). Not to mention, finding out that you’ve manipulated her and only pretended to care about her mental health is so not a turnoff!

8 ) Set out on your own weight loss plan. Here’s an interesting experiment for you using reverse psychology. A subtle way to tell her she’s getting fat is to tell her you’re not happy with your own level of fitness and she may begin to open her eyes to the wider picture. By referencing yourself in any plans to lose weight, you’re also subtly telling her that you’re not the only one who might benefit from a diet. And even if she does see through your ploy, she’ll at least appreciate the tact you have shown and will hopefully take the message on board.

What if you’re actually a grumpy lard-ass who could/should have some kind of weight loss plan?

7) Serve her unsatisfactory portions. When dishing up meals for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it. If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she’s not looking.

Of course, fat-shaming! That always works! Because every woman wants to stay the same weight forever, especially if she’s in a relationship! Obviously if she gains even an ounce she’ll realize the horrors of her glutinous ways and realize that she needs to change her ways and shed that extra weight! Plus, this is assuming that women can’t simply serve themselves extra helpings. They need someone to literally put food on their plate and feed them.

6) Improve your own diet. It’s very easy for the two of you to fall into the downward spiral in which many couples begin to replace sexual intimacy with ice cream and cake. Don’t let this happen by focusing on your own health requirements and staking your right to a junk-food-free home. It might even be the only way of separating her from the fatty foods which have led to the current problem.

Aha, because women are the only ones who want to eat fatty foods. And of course the only incentive for men to improve their own diets is not for their own good and for their own health, but to subtly tell their girlfriends that they are too fat.

5) Playfully grab her love handles. Ask any man and he’ll tell you that he instinctively flexes his biceps whenever a woman touches them. The same thing goes for a woman when you make contact with any unwanted flab: She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage. Even if she thinks that you’re too busy at work to have noticed a few extra pounds, if you continually rest your hand on her love handles (or even lightly pinch them), she’ll soon realize that you’re becoming increasingly aware of something that never used to be there before.

“She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage”?!! How would you like it if your girlfriend pinched your “unwanted flab” all the time?

4) Ask her to wear an old dress. Plan a romantic night out for the two of you and insist that she wears something from when you first got together; particularly something that you know doesn’t fit her anymore. This way she’ll have to admit to you that she’s put on too much weight and can no longer get into many of her old clothes. Follow it up by telling her how good she looked in those days, and maybe she’ll make it her mission to get back to that size.

So, on this romantic night out, you want her to wear an old dress that you know/think she doesn’t fit any more to try and make her feel shitty for not being able to fit that any more? Quite romantic, no? And also, your girlfriend must wear what you insist on her wearing, she can’t possibly choose another outfit for herself.

3) Sabotage her chair. Sometimes as men we have to get downright nefarious to get what we want. You might not be proud of stooping to this level, but nothing says “better lose some weight” like a broken chair. After you loosen a few screws or remove some important slats of a chair in which you know she’ll sit and subsequently break, sit back and watch the guaranteed dietary transformation that ensues. It will profoundly amaze you.

This tip especially made me burst out laughing. Because of course if I sat on a chair and it just broke, my first reaction wouldn’t be OMG I AM SO FAT I BROKE A CHAIR! It’d probably be something closer to this chair’s clearly broken! It certainly wouldn’t lead to a “guaranteed dietary transformation.”

2) Leave “now” and “then” photos lying around. This is a highly effective way to draw attention to the explicit changes to her body as you see them. By consistently reminding her of how she used to look, she’ll inevitably be more inclined to do something about her excess flab. Appropriately chosen and strategically placed photos should accomplish this quite nicely. Keep in mind, if she confronts you about trying to shame her into losing weight, the key approach here is denial, as you reply: “Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?” Of course you would, but she doesn’t need to know that.

More fat shaming. Fun. What I would probably say is, asshole, that was then, this is now. Get with the changing times.

1) Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit. If she seems content staying at home eating donuts in her track pants, why not start taking her to places where she has no choice but to where a swimsuit? As she awkwardly looks around at all the slender bodies having a great time, she’ll more than likely vow to do something about her recent weight gain, especially if she knows she’ll be back there in the not-so-distant future.

What if she likes going to the beach and doesn’t care too much what she looks like because she’s having a good time? What if she awkwardly looks around not to check out “all the slender bodies having a great time” (because non-slender bodies can’t have a great time? I didn’t know that being slender was a pre-requisite to having fun) but because her asshole boyfriend is checking everyone else out? Besides, going to the beach will show the diversity of female bodies. Surprise surprise idiot men, not every woman looks like the models you see on television or in magazines.

So to sum up: men, if you are unhappy that your girlfriend has gained weight recently, all you have to do to let her know and to make her change her ways is to lie to her, shame her and manipulate her. What a good boyfriend you are for being superficial and emotionally abusive! Those are the exact qualities women find attractive in men!


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2 responses

23 03 2009
Marianne

Wow. These suggestions are as ridiculous as they are horrible. Reading through this made me both giggle and become nauseated (another weight loss strategy, you tricksy boys???). Thanks for the commentary :)

18 04 2009
Jason

First off, I wouldn’t want to date an overweight person (male or female) personally, because I’m incredibly active person who loves to go hiking, climbing, etc. And that’s something I’d want to share with my partner.
Secondly, I’m extrememly health-conscious. And being overweight is, well, it’s not good for you. I want my partner to be healthy wherever possible.

Do the above make me a chauvenistic pig? I don’t think so. Wanting to share something I love with my partner, and worrying about her/his health, don’t exactly strike me as bad things.

As for the tips- well, some of them are a bit “off”. But some of them are reasonable. I mean- I think the majority of women would prefer a subtle hint, or a push for her to make the decision herself, than a straight-out comment on her weight that’s hurtful, even if not intended that way.

I’m not sure how I’d end up addressing the issue, if it ever arose. I’d probably ask her to join me in my workouts, or hiking, or whatever. As for healthier eating- well, I eat healthily when I can afford to. (Right now, I really can’t.) So if we lived together, that side of it would be sorted; if not, I’d invite her over to dinner so often she might as well, so she’d be eating as healthily as I am anyway.
One thing’s for sure- I would address it. I have no issues with a little extra weight; but if it’s enough to potentially affect her health, or her energy levels, or her ability to join me on my physical activities, then of course I’ll have an issue with it.

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